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00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,017
♪ i'm going down
to south park ♪
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00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:11,493
♪ gonna have
myself a time ♪
3
00:00:11,528 --> 00:00:12,899
♪ friendly faces
everywhere ♪
4
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,901
♪ humble folks
without temptation ♪
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00:00:14,936 --> 00:00:16,185
♪ going down
to south park ♪
6
00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:17,727
♪ gonna leave my
woes behind ♪
7
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♪ ample parking
day or night ♪
8
00:00:19,234 --> 00:00:21,634
♪ people spouting
"howdy neighbor" ♪
9
00:00:21,669 --> 00:00:23,268
♪ headin' on up
to south park ♪
10
00:00:23,303 --> 00:00:24,833
♪ gonna see
if i can't unwind ♪
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00:00:24,868 --> 00:00:28,234
♪ tim-Tmah tim-Mah,
tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah ♪
12
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♪ so come on down
to south park ♪
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♪ and meet some
friends of mine ♪
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Parents, it's that
time of year again
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When the bishops and priests
from around the country
16
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Are organizing the
young men's catholic retreat.
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00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:44,284
This year, we're taking the boys
on a weekend boat trip,
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To discuss jesus' role as the
navigator of our lives.
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00:00:47,536 --> 00:00:49,818
That sounds
pretty fun!
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A catholic boat trip?
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♪ the catholic boat... ♪
22
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♪ is gonna be
heading on out today ♪
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00:01:05,269 --> 00:01:08,499
♪ the catholic boat...
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00:01:08,534 --> 00:01:13,267
♪ time to throw
all of your cares away ♪
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♪ get some hot
christian action ♪
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♪ that'll take you- ♪
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Aghhhh!
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Aghhh!
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Excuse me...
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Look, i just don't think
it's the best idea
31
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To let our boys go
on a cruise with the priest!
32
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We can't
let them go, can we?
33
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There's no way
my son's going.
34
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What are they
talking about?
35
00:01:37,636 --> 00:01:38,432
I don't know.
36
00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:39,866
Maybe they want
to kill us!
37
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With everything that's
been in the news,
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I think it's best we keep our
kids far away from the priest.
39
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Now come on,
everybody
40
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:47,000
Just because a few priests in
the country have been corrupt
41
00:01:47,035 --> 00:01:48,968
It doesn't that all priests
are child molesters.
42
00:01:49,003 --> 00:01:51,334
Well sure, that's
easy for you to say,
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00:01:51,369 --> 00:01:52,466
Your son's dead.
44
00:01:52,501 --> 00:01:53,766
But those of us
with alive children
45
00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:56,201
Need to be sure that father
maxi is on the up and up.
46
00:01:56,236 --> 00:01:58,601
I've heard about other towns
bringing in counselors
47
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That know how to
find things out from kids
48
00:02:00,603 --> 00:02:02,501
Without really telling them
what's going on.
49
00:02:02,536 --> 00:02:03,599
It couldn't hurt.
50
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:05,067
Shhh-Shhh,
here he comes!
51
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:12,199
Uh... goodbye,
everyone.
52
00:02:12,234 --> 00:02:14,834
'Night!'Night!
'Night, father.
53
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:17,998
Alright then, it's settled.
54
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:19,934
Tomorrow we'll find
an outside counselor and...
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Find out the truth.
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Hi, boys, my name
is mrs. Garache
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And i need to ask you
a few questions
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About your priest, okay?
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Okay.Okay.
Alright.
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Okay... would you say that
father maxi is nice or mean?
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00:02:34,836 --> 00:02:36,265
Nice.Cool.
He's fine.
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00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:42,067
Okay, what words would you use
describe your church's priest?
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Compassionate.
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00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:47,400
Okay... and did father maxi,
at any time,
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00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:51,234
Ever try to put
something in your butt?
66
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,799
In-In our butt?
67
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:58,800
You don't need to be ashamed
or embarrassed, just-
68
00:02:58,835 --> 00:03:01,767
Did he ever try to
put anything in your butt?
69
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:04,399
Like money, what?
70
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,499
You mean like
a goldfish?
71
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,950
No, no... did he ever
try to put anything
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00:03:08,985 --> 00:03:11,367
That belonged to him
in your butt?
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00:03:11,402 --> 00:03:14,165
No.No.
No...
74
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,065
This is ridiculous.
75
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:17,601
Having to sit out
here waiting to find out
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00:03:17,636 --> 00:03:19,599
If our priest
molested our kids!
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00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,098
Yeah, what has catholicism
come to, anyway?
78
00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:24,501
You know, i think we've
just had it with the church.
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00:03:24,536 --> 00:03:26,534
All the horrible things
they've done to kids.
80
00:03:26,569 --> 00:03:28,567
I think i'm going to
become an atheist!
81
00:03:28,602 --> 00:03:29,799
That's a good idea!
82
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,033
I'm going to be
an atheist too!
83
00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:32,201
Let's all be atheists!
84
00:03:32,236 --> 00:03:33,468
Yeah!Yeah!
Yeah!
85
00:03:33,503 --> 00:03:34,666
If there was a god,
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00:03:34,701 --> 00:03:37,167
Why would he let our kids be
molested in the first place?
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00:03:37,202 --> 00:03:39,218
Yeah, let's
kill god, yeah!
88
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,234
Well, let's
just be atheists.
89
00:03:41,269 --> 00:03:43,265
Same thing.
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00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:46,033
Alright!
Yeah!Woo-Hoo!
91
00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:52,532
What would the priest...
92
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,300
Possibly want to
put in our butts?
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00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,834
Maybe- No...
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00:03:56,869 --> 00:03:58,551
Hey, dudes.
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00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,199
Hey.
Hey.Agh!
96
00:04:00,234 --> 00:04:02,399
What are you
guys doing?
97
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:03,799
We had to go meet
with this counselor lady,
98
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:05,167
And she asked us if the priest
ever put anything in our butts.
99
00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:07,599
In your butts?
100
00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:09,150
Yeah, isn't that
the damnedest thing?
101
00:04:09,185 --> 00:04:10,632
Why would he put
anything in your butts?
102
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,200
We don't know, that's what
we're trying to figure out.
103
00:04:12,235 --> 00:04:14,532
Hmm...
hmm...
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00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:17,934
Hello there, children!
105
00:04:17,969 --> 00:04:18,866
Chef!
106
00:04:18,901 --> 00:04:21,300
What would a priest
want to stick up my butt?
107
00:04:21,335 --> 00:04:23,033
Goodbye!
108
00:04:24,434 --> 00:04:25,800
Ugh, nobody's
going to tell us!
109
00:04:25,835 --> 00:04:27,132
This is going to
drive me insane!
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00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,100
Calm down, tweek, there has to
be a rational explanation.
111
00:04:29,135 --> 00:04:31,566
Oh, dude, i think i might have it. What?
112
00:04:31,601 --> 00:04:34,167
It makes perfect sense...
okay, run with me on this:
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If you eat food, you crap out
your butt, right?
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00:04:36,769 --> 00:04:38,032
Yeah...
115
00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:39,801
Alright, now keep with me here,
it gets a little complicated...
116
00:04:39,836 --> 00:04:42,235
If you eat food and
crap out your butt,
117
00:04:42,270 --> 00:04:44,634
Then maybe if you
stuck food in your butt
118
00:04:44,669 --> 00:04:47,400
You could crap
out your mouth.
119
00:04:47,435 --> 00:04:49,899
Hmm?
120
00:04:49,934 --> 00:04:52,167
Cartman, that's the dumbest
thing you've ever said!
121
00:04:52,202 --> 00:04:52,866
This week.
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00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,098
That's not dumb
think about it!
123
00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:55,833
Food goes in the mouth,
comes out the butt
124
00:04:55,868 --> 00:04:57,534
Food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.
125
00:04:57,569 --> 00:04:59,067
That's not dumb,
that's genius.
126
00:04:59,102 --> 00:04:59,766
It wouldn't work!
127
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:00,732
Have you ever tried it?
128
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,050
I don't need to,
it wouldn't work!
129
00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:03,334
I'll bet you 20 bucks
it'll work!
130
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,334
You're on,
fat boy!
131
00:05:04,369 --> 00:05:05,300
Okay, let's go, jew!
132
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,699
Down with god!
133
00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:10,167
Stan, you're
an atheist now!
134
00:05:10,202 --> 00:05:11,432
You too, tweek!
135
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:12,967
Down with god!
136
00:05:13,002 --> 00:05:14,432
I'm a what?
137
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:17,400
Fathers, i want to
thank you all for coming.
138
00:05:17,435 --> 00:05:18,884
No, thank you
for finally organizing
139
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,334
An all-Priest meeting,
father maxi.
140
00:05:20,369 --> 00:05:22,399
I think
we all agree
141
00:05:22,434 --> 00:05:23,300
Something has
to be done quickly.
142
00:05:23,335 --> 00:05:25,766
Uh-Huh.
That's right!
143
00:05:25,801 --> 00:05:27,199
I don't know how
it has been for all of you,
144
00:05:27,234 --> 00:05:30,367
But attendance at my church
in fort rollins is down 63%.
145
00:05:30,402 --> 00:05:32,599
I'm down almost
70 in greenleaf.
146
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:34,000
Yes, i'm afraid if things
keep going the way they are,
147
00:05:34,035 --> 00:05:36,799
We could lose
our entire religion!
148
00:05:36,834 --> 00:05:39,601
Yes, we've got to stop these
boys from going to the public!
149
00:05:39,636 --> 00:05:41,434
They've got to know
to keep their mouths shut.
150
00:05:41,469 --> 00:05:42,833
Yup!Uh-Huh!
Right!
151
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:45,098
Right, and so-
Wait a minute, what?
152
00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:47,367
Yes, but we've got to
find out why these children
153
00:05:47,402 --> 00:05:48,334
Are suddenly finding
it necessary to report
154
00:05:48,369 --> 00:05:50,301
That they're
being molested.
155
00:05:50,336 --> 00:05:52,234
Stop the problem
at its source.
156
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,365
Yes, but how?
157
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,065
Whoa, whoa-
Hold on a second.
158
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:58,567
The problem is that
children are being molested,
159
00:05:58,602 --> 00:06:00,267
Not that they're
reporting it.
160
00:06:03,934 --> 00:06:05,299
How do you mean?
161
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:07,834
Well, i mean, obviously
what we need to put a stop to
162
00:06:07,869 --> 00:06:09,532
Is all the
sexual misconduct
163
00:06:09,567 --> 00:06:11,332
That is allowed to
take place in our churches.
164
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:14,400
Not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it.
165
00:06:14,435 --> 00:06:15,699
I mean, right?
166
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:17,234
Did any of the children
you've molested come forward?
167
00:06:17,269 --> 00:06:19,265
No!
That's good.
168
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:20,299
No, i mean,
i never molested
169
00:06:20,334 --> 00:06:22,566
Any of the children
in my church!
170
00:06:22,601 --> 00:06:24,267
It's okay, father maxi,
we're all priests here,
171
00:06:24,302 --> 00:06:26,217
The doors are closed.
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00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,098
For the love of god!
173
00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:30,300
Are you all saying
that you have engaged in
174
00:06:30,335 --> 00:06:32,467
Inappropriate relations
with your altar boys?
175
00:06:32,502 --> 00:06:34,300
We are here to
bring the light of god,
176
00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:36,968
Not harm the innocent!
177
00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:40,100
Ha, ha!Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
178
00:06:40,135 --> 00:06:41,332
I'm serious!
179
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:44,466
Father...
having sex with boys
180
00:06:44,501 --> 00:06:47,133
Is part of the catholic
priest's way of life.
181
00:06:47,168 --> 00:06:49,032
Yeah.Yeah.
Yeah.
182
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:52,601
Dear god, this problem
is much more severe
183
00:06:52,636 --> 00:06:54,732
Than i could have
possibly imagined.
184
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:57,934
I have to go to
the vatican and get help!
185
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,200
Hghnn... hghh...
186
00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:04,200
Well, cartman?
187
00:07:04,235 --> 00:07:05,165
Hold on!
188
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,200
God, let a man crap!
189
00:07:06,235 --> 00:07:08,401
Hgh... hgh...
190
00:07:08,436 --> 00:07:10,532
What's going on?
191
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:11,833
Cartman shoved
food up his ass
192
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:12,334
And now he's trying
to crap out his mouth.
193
00:07:12,369 --> 00:07:13,299
Oh.
194
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:16,466
Ugnh... hgnnnh...
195
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:18,033
Well go on, smart-Ass, and do it!
196
00:07:18,068 --> 00:07:19,600
I'm doing it
a'ready!
197
00:07:19,635 --> 00:07:20,951
God, give me
a minute!
198
00:07:20,986 --> 00:07:22,232
You've had
five, dude!
199
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,868
I can't do it with
you guys watching.
200
00:07:23,903 --> 00:07:24,732
Turn around.
201
00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:26,000
No, because you'll
just crap out your butt
202
00:07:26,035 --> 00:07:27,766
And then say it
came out your mouth!
203
00:07:27,801 --> 00:07:31,934
Do you really think i'd be
that deceitful, you guys?
204
00:07:33,033 --> 00:07:36,000
Oh goddammit, you guys,
i'm so seriously...
205
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,717
Ugh... hgngg!
206
00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:42,434
Hwaaaaagh...
207
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:47,234
Get the f-K
out of here!
208
00:07:47,269 --> 00:07:48,365
Yesss!
209
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,466
Yes, i did it!
210
00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,634
I crapped out
my mouth!
211
00:07:51,669 --> 00:07:53,732
♪ i crapped
out my mouth ♪
212
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:56,033
You owe me
20 bucks, dickface!
213
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:01,834
There you go...
uh... gratsie.
214
00:08:01,869 --> 00:08:04,901
Wow...
i'm actually here!
215
00:08:04,936 --> 00:08:07,868
Vatican city!
216
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:15,000
Your holiness, this is
father maxi from america,
217
00:08:15,035 --> 00:08:18,000
He has brought this all
to our attention.
218
00:08:18,035 --> 00:08:19,367
Your holiness.
219
00:08:19,402 --> 00:08:21,133
Rhohhh...
220
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:25,532
Ado ramus te christe.
221
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:27,817
In dominus reo.
In dominus reo.
222
00:08:27,852 --> 00:08:30,032
Cardinals, bishops
and priests.
223
00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:33,132
An american priest
by the name of maxi
224
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:36,834
Has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.
225
00:08:36,869 --> 00:08:38,232
All over his country,
there are reports
226
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:41,634
Of children being molested
by men of the church.
227
00:08:41,669 --> 00:08:43,265
If things
continue this way
228
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:46,200
We'll never be able to have
sex with young boys again!
229
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,568
Yeah!Uh-Huh!
That's right!
230
00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,866
That's right-
Wait, what?!
231
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:53,100
In france as well, we are
finding it harder and harder
232
00:08:53,135 --> 00:08:54,699
To make love to our boys.
233
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,098
In morocco they have
arrested five of my priests.
234
00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:59,767
It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us!
235
00:08:59,802 --> 00:09:01,934
Father maxi, what do
you suggest we do
236
00:09:01,969 --> 00:09:02,499
To not get caught?
237
00:09:02,534 --> 00:09:04,499
"Not get caught"?!
No!
238
00:09:04,534 --> 00:09:07,567
I think what we should do
is not have sex with boys!
239
00:09:07,602 --> 00:09:09,200
Rumble, rumble.
Rumble, rumble.
240
00:09:09,235 --> 00:09:11,232
It is not written anywhere
241
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:13,200
In the holy document
of vatican law
242
00:09:13,235 --> 00:09:14,965
That sex with boys
is wrong.
243
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,501
Maybe we need to change the
holy document of vatican law.
244
00:09:18,536 --> 00:09:20,799
Rumble!Rumble!
Aaagh!
245
00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:22,450
Speaking on behalf of
the british catholics,
246
00:09:22,485 --> 00:09:24,032
It is obvious
the priest doesn't realize
247
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:28,334
That the holy document of
vatican law cannot be changed!
248
00:09:28,369 --> 00:09:31,732
Yeah!True!
That's right!
249
00:09:31,767 --> 00:09:34,766
Yes, and speaking on behalf of
the gelgamek catholics,
250
00:09:34,801 --> 00:09:37,334
I believe we should move on to
other solutions to this problem.
251
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:40,767
Rumble!Rumble!
Yeah!
252
00:09:40,802 --> 00:09:43,133
Gelgameks?!
253
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:47,267
Kyle, could you
help me out?
254
00:09:47,302 --> 00:09:48,834
I need some advice...
255
00:09:48,869 --> 00:09:49,265
What?
256
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,699
It's just that...
257
00:09:51,734 --> 00:09:54,000
I can't decide what to buy
with your twenty dollars!
258
00:09:54,035 --> 00:09:56,334
I was thinking of getting this
megaman racer for 19.95
259
00:09:56,369 --> 00:09:58,634
Or i could get two broncos
trading packs for 10 apiece.
260
00:09:58,669 --> 00:10:01,067
And then i thought-
261
00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:08,599
Oh boy, now that
we're atheists
262
00:10:08,634 --> 00:10:10,217
We don't have to pray
for our food!
263
00:10:10,252 --> 00:10:11,766
That's right,
everyone just dig in!
264
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:15,133
So kids, anything fun happen
with your whole sunday off?
265
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:17,367
Cartman shoved
his lunch up his ass
266
00:10:17,402 --> 00:10:18,851
And crapped
out his mouth.
267
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:20,265
Stanly!
What, he did!
268
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:22,801
No, it doesn't
work that way, son.
269
00:10:22,836 --> 00:10:23,951
Yeah, it does.
270
00:10:23,986 --> 00:10:25,526
No, it doesn't.
271
00:10:25,561 --> 00:10:27,067
Yeah... it does.
272
00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:34,701
Hgh... hgh...
273
00:10:34,736 --> 00:10:35,535
Hughh...
274
00:10:35,570 --> 00:10:36,334
Hwaaaaaa...
275
00:10:38,467 --> 00:10:39,666
Honey!
276
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:42,000
Honey, come quick!
277
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:46,866
Look, people...
i'm just trying to say
278
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:50,734
That if we don't change the
holy document of vatican law
279
00:10:50,769 --> 00:10:53,098
Then we might lose
everyone to atheism!
280
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,434
What exactly do you
suggest we change, father maxi?
281
00:10:55,469 --> 00:10:58,467
Well for one...
no sex with boys.
282
00:10:58,502 --> 00:11:00,933
Rumble!Rumble!
Agh!
283
00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:03,284
The holy document
of vatican law states that
284
00:11:03,319 --> 00:11:05,601
A priest, bishop or cardinal
cannot get married.
285
00:11:05,636 --> 00:11:07,866
So where are we
to get our sex?
286
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,517
Well then perhaps we could
change the holy vatican law
287
00:11:10,552 --> 00:11:13,133
To say that it's okay for a
priest or bishop or cardinal
288
00:11:13,168 --> 00:11:14,801
To have sex...
289
00:11:14,836 --> 00:11:16,399
With women.
290
00:11:16,434 --> 00:11:18,365
Hawhhh!Rumble!
Women!
291
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,917
The gelgamek vagina
is three feet wide
292
00:11:20,952 --> 00:11:23,399
And filled with
razor-Sharp teeth!
293
00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:27,732
Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?!
294
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:31,100
Maybe we need to forget about
the gelgameks for a second
295
00:11:31,135 --> 00:11:31,732
And focus on-
296
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,466
Forget about
the gelgameks!
297
00:11:33,501 --> 00:11:36,784
I'm just saying that
what works on planet gelgamek
298
00:11:36,819 --> 00:11:40,067
Isn't necessarily going to
work for the rest of us.
299
00:11:40,102 --> 00:11:43,032
You see, that's the problem
we're having here.
300
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:46,334
But the holy document of
vatican law cannot be changed!
301
00:11:46,369 --> 00:11:48,432
Why not?
302
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:51,767
Because we don't know
where it is.
303
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:54,098
You see, father, the holy
document of vatican law
304
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:58,767
Has hidden away deep in the
catacombs of st. Peters below us.
305
00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:01,032
Hidden away so that it
can never be changed.
306
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:04,467
But if we locate it, we could
make changes to it?
307
00:12:04,502 --> 00:12:06,101
Ha!
Good luck, father!
308
00:12:06,136 --> 00:12:07,666
The document
is guarded by
309
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:09,799
Water lizards, rattlesnakes
and sand traps.
310
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:12,067
The fools who tried before to
recover it, met their death!
311
00:12:12,102 --> 00:12:16,367
Well we have to try,
our religion is dying!
312
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,033
You guys, you guys, look!
313
00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:19,165
Agh!
314
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,734
I went down to the bank,
and i got kyle's 20 dollar bill
315
00:12:21,769 --> 00:12:23,434
Turned into 20
single dollar bills!
316
00:12:23,469 --> 00:12:24,434
So?
317
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:25,365
So?!
318
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,299
So now i can do this...
319
00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:31,133
Yesssss... yyyyesss...
kyle's money...
320
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:32,699
Mmmmm, kyle's money...
321
00:12:32,734 --> 00:12:33,866
Go f-K yourself,
cartman!
322
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:36,150
Oh... feels so good
on my skin... mmmm...
323
00:12:36,185 --> 00:12:38,400
Get up, fat boy, i'm
gonna kick your ass!
324
00:12:38,435 --> 00:12:39,534
Geez, kyle, don't be
a sore loser.
325
00:12:39,569 --> 00:12:40,934
It's over, okay?
I won, let it go.
326
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,300
So you crapped
out your mouth!
327
00:12:42,335 --> 00:12:43,199
Good for you!
328
00:12:43,234 --> 00:12:44,968
It's still stupid
and immature!
329
00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:45,699
Dude, look!
330
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:46,799
Our top story tonight:
331
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,566
The age-Old question
has been answered.
332
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,000
"If i put food up my ass
will i crap out my mouth?"
333
00:12:51,035 --> 00:12:53,400
All over the country people are
discovering that yes,
334
00:12:53,435 --> 00:12:54,399
In fact, you will!
335
00:12:54,434 --> 00:12:56,766
The surgeon general
had this to say:
336
00:12:56,801 --> 00:12:58,934
...and the immediate research
shows that the act
337
00:12:58,969 --> 00:13:01,067
Is not only amusing,
but in fact much healthier
338
00:13:01,102 --> 00:13:03,284
For our bodies
than the old way of eating.
339
00:13:03,319 --> 00:13:05,432
You see, food entering
through the anus
340
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:08,234
Has the benefit of being broken
down on its way to the stomach
341
00:13:08,269 --> 00:13:09,532
Rather than afterward.
342
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:11,483
Therefore, i believe that
intero-Rectogestion
343
00:13:11,518 --> 00:13:13,400
Would actually put a stop to
high cholesterol
344
00:13:13,435 --> 00:13:15,451
And most kinds
of stomach cancers.
345
00:13:15,486 --> 00:13:17,467
And i base that
on absolutely nothing.
346
00:13:17,502 --> 00:13:18,965
The surgeon general's response
347
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,601
Has made americans change their
eating habits almost instantly.
348
00:13:21,636 --> 00:13:23,300
"That's stupid
and immature, cartman."
349
00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:24,866
It is stupid and immature!
350
00:13:24,901 --> 00:13:26,300
So you got people to crap out
their mouths, what do you want?
351
00:13:26,335 --> 00:13:28,365
A freaking medal?
352
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,766
The mayor of south park has
announced that
353
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:31,232
For first discovering this
healthy way of eating,
354
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:33,300
Young citizen eric cartman will
be given a freaking medal!
355
00:13:33,335 --> 00:13:35,200
Aaaghhg!
356
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:38,265
Back now with more on
"martha stewart living".
357
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,834
In the past few days we've all
heard of the benefits
358
00:13:41,869 --> 00:13:44,098
Of intero-Rectogestion,
and so making foods
359
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:46,766
That can easily be inserted
into the ass is essential.
360
00:13:46,801 --> 00:13:49,767
Everyone knows that some foods
are simple to shove up the ass;
361
00:13:49,802 --> 00:13:51,032
Puddings, soups, raisins-
362
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:53,200
This is a nice
raisin pudding right here-
363
00:13:53,235 --> 00:13:55,334
But we can also still
eat our favorite foods.
364
00:13:55,369 --> 00:13:56,532
What we're going to do today,
365
00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:58,834
Is prepare a thanksgiving turkey
for intero-Recto.
366
00:13:58,869 --> 00:14:01,367
The key to shoving
a turkey up your ass,
367
00:14:01,402 --> 00:14:02,899
Is first wrapping
it in string,
368
00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:04,000
Keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
369
00:14:04,035 --> 00:14:06,866
Mrs. Stewart,
we have some questions.
370
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:08,300
Not right now, i just want to
focus on my turkey right now.
371
00:14:08,335 --> 00:14:11,699
Now we're going to
baste the turkey
372
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:14,200
With lubricating gel
rather than with juice,
373
00:14:14,235 --> 00:14:16,632
This will help smooth the
insertion later on.
374
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:19,167
We still bake at 400 degrees for
twenty minutes a pound...
375
00:14:19,202 --> 00:14:21,868
And when it's done we'll get
something like this.
376
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,199
So now we're
ready to go.
377
00:14:23,234 --> 00:14:25,634
Looks delicious,
let's try it out!
378
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,350
Ugnnn...
379
00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:32,466
Uuggghhhn...
380
00:14:32,501 --> 00:14:37,267
Yeah, get it up there,
yeah, uggnnnhhh, yeah!
381
00:14:37,302 --> 00:14:41,167
Agh... whew!
382
00:14:42,434 --> 00:14:44,534
And that is how
you eat a turkey.
383
00:14:44,569 --> 00:14:46,634
We'll be right back with more.
384
00:14:56,334 --> 00:14:58,632
Prego!
385
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:03,167
Hello, my name is father maxi
from the united states.
386
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,833
What do you seek, father?
387
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:09,367
I'm trying to find the
holy document of vatican law
388
00:15:09,402 --> 00:15:10,998
So that we can
make revisions to it.
389
00:15:11,033 --> 00:15:14,801
The gospel lies somewhere
beyond this door.
390
00:15:14,836 --> 00:15:17,032
But many trials
await thee inside.
391
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:20,701
Only he whose heart
truly belongs to the lord
392
00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:22,332
Shall make it through.
393
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:24,417
I have to try,
our religion is in trouble
394
00:15:24,452 --> 00:15:26,467
And that scroll
may be our only hope.
395
00:15:26,502 --> 00:15:28,032
Then prepare yourself.
396
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:34,234
The time of trials begins...
ado ramus te christe!
397
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:40,299
I wish you luck, father.
398
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:43,334
Use all the strength, agility
and faith that you have.
399
00:15:43,369 --> 00:15:47,067
Very well...
here we go.
400
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:02,801
Hmm, there's
a ladder up here...
401
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:06,033
Oh my god, a rattlesnake!
402
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:08,534
A way back up!
403
00:16:08,569 --> 00:16:10,965
I made it!
404
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:15,601
Praise be to god,
he hath shown me the way.
405
00:16:15,636 --> 00:16:16,566
This must be it...
406
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,467
The holy document
of vatican law.
407
00:16:22,901 --> 00:16:25,167
Well sharon and i are having
a great time being atheists.
408
00:16:25,202 --> 00:16:27,199
I for one can't believe
i used to live my life
409
00:16:27,234 --> 00:16:31,868
By what a very old and very
fictional book used to say!
410
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,635
It's true, what do
a bunch of stories
411
00:16:33,670 --> 00:16:35,367
About people in robes
slaughtering goats
412
00:16:35,402 --> 00:16:36,799
Have to do with
today's world?
413
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,017
Atheism has definitely
made our lives better.
414
00:16:39,052 --> 00:16:41,200
I made some quesadillas
if anybody wants some!
415
00:16:41,235 --> 00:16:42,599
Ooh!Ooh!
Ooh!
416
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,301
And if anybody
needs to potty,
417
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,968
There's a potty basket
right here.
418
00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:46,732
Oh thanks, sharon.
419
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:47,965
For martha and i
we're worried
420
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,300
We might have a hard time
raising our son atheist.
421
00:16:50,335 --> 00:16:51,833
I mean- Oh, thank you.
422
00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:53,833
I mean it could end up
being very difficult
423
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:56,434
Raising an atheist child
in such a christian society.
424
00:16:56,469 --> 00:16:59,032
I feel like everywhere
my poor son goes
425
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:01,200
He's going to be
persecuted for his beliefs.
426
00:17:01,235 --> 00:17:02,299
That's true.
427
00:17:02,334 --> 00:17:04,699
If i'm going to
raise my son to be atheist,
428
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:07,200
I don't want him saying
"under god" every day at school.
429
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,632
That could really
damage him!
430
00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:11,334
"Under god" should be
taken out of the- Excuse me-
431
00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:13,833
Hhhhwaaaa...
432
00:17:13,868 --> 00:17:16,200
"Under god" should be taken out
of the pledge of allegiance.
433
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,098
Yup!Yup!
I agree.
434
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,367
And it should be taken
off of money as well.
435
00:17:20,402 --> 00:17:21,699
The religious right
in this country
436
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:23,334
Is trying to force our children
to believe what they-
437
00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:26,899
Hwaaaaaagh...
438
00:17:26,934 --> 00:17:30,601
And we can't let the religious
right corrupt our kids!
439
00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:32,634
Yeah!Yeah!
That's right.
440
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,567
Cardinals, bishops
and priests!
441
00:17:37,602 --> 00:17:39,432
Father maxi has returned!
442
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:42,634
And he has the holy document
of vatican law!
443
00:17:43,968 --> 00:17:46,365
How did he make it
past the water lizards?
444
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,200
Yes, i have returned with the
holy document of vatican law,
445
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,499
So can we please
change it now
446
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:54,234
To say it's not okay
to have sex with boys?
447
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,132
Wait, wait!
448
00:17:58,167 --> 00:18:00,534
The pope wants
to say something!
449
00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:07,200
The pope says we shall
ask the highest source!
450
00:18:07,235 --> 00:18:09,200
Ahhhh!Ahh!
451
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,634
Oh my!
452
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,499
The holy one!
453
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:24,566
Behold the great
queen spider!
454
00:18:24,601 --> 00:18:26,467
Hail, queen spider.Hail, queen spider.
455
00:18:26,502 --> 00:18:27,632
Queen spider?
456
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:30,667
Oh, great queen spider,
we seek your guidance.
457
00:18:30,702 --> 00:18:32,634
What do you ask of me?
458
00:18:32,669 --> 00:18:34,532
Great queen spider,
459
00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:36,634
We wish to change
one of the vatican rules.
460
00:18:36,669 --> 00:18:39,334
The vatican rules
cannot be changed.
461
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:40,499
So sayeth the spider.
462
00:18:40,534 --> 00:18:43,200
Go on, priest maxi,
see if you can convince her.
463
00:18:43,235 --> 00:18:45,200
All right,
that does it!
464
00:18:45,235 --> 00:18:46,466
I have had enough!
465
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:49,032
You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world!
466
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:52,650
You sit in this big room with your
gelgameks and your queen spider
467
00:18:52,685 --> 00:18:56,234
And none of it applies to what
being a catholic is all about!
468
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,451
But the holy document
of vatican law states that-
469
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:02,634
To hell with the holy document
of vatican law!
470
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:11,399
You guys, you guys!
471
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:12,467
I took kyle's 20 dollars
down to the bank again,
472
00:19:12,502 --> 00:19:14,334
And i got it changed
into quarters!
473
00:19:14,369 --> 00:19:16,299
So?
474
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:17,267
So now i can dump them
into this pool
475
00:19:17,302 --> 00:19:20,133
And swim in them
all day long!
476
00:19:20,168 --> 00:19:21,965
Yayyyy, kyle's money.
477
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,300
Cartman, there's something
i need to tell you.
478
00:19:25,335 --> 00:19:26,199
Ooh, what's that, kyle?
479
00:19:26,234 --> 00:19:29,267
You were totally,
100% right.
480
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:31,334
Huh... huh...... what?
481
00:19:31,369 --> 00:19:32,299
You won the bet.
482
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:33,332
You were
totally accurate
483
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:34,634
About being able
to crap out your mouth,
484
00:19:34,669 --> 00:19:35,699
And i've just
been frustrated
485
00:19:35,734 --> 00:19:37,117
Because i didn't
think of it first.
486
00:19:37,152 --> 00:19:38,476
I want you to
enjoy that money because
487
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,122
You really impressed me
with your insight,
488
00:19:41,157 --> 00:19:43,734
And i'm proud to
have you as a friend.
489
00:19:46,234 --> 00:19:47,567
You son-Of-A-Bitch, kyle!
490
00:19:47,602 --> 00:19:49,567
I hate you!
491
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,065
Down with god!
Yeah!Atheists rule!
492
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,267
Great news, stan,
the vatican is burning down!
493
00:19:54,302 --> 00:19:55,965
Score one
for us atheists!
494
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,767
Come on, tweek, we're
gonna go watch on tv!
495
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,199
Gone...
it's all gone.
496
00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:06,884
Well, thanks a lot,
father maxi
497
00:20:06,919 --> 00:20:08,534
You've killed
our religion.
498
00:20:08,569 --> 00:20:09,766
No, i didn't!
499
00:20:09,801 --> 00:20:11,899
All that's dead are
your stupid laws and rules.
500
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:15,033
You've forgotten what
being a catholic is all about:
501
00:20:15,068 --> 00:20:17,666
This book...
502
00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:19,799
You see, these are
just stories.
503
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:23,000
Stories that are meant to help
guide people in the right direction.
504
00:20:23,035 --> 00:20:25,200
Love your neighbor,
be a good person.
505
00:20:25,235 --> 00:20:27,599
That's it.
506
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:29,432
And when you start
turning the stories
507
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:31,234
Into literal translations
of hierarchies and power,
508
00:20:31,269 --> 00:20:34,701
Well... well you
end up with this!
509
00:20:34,736 --> 00:20:38,098
People are
losing faith because
510
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:41,667
They don't see how what you've turned
the religion into applies to them.
511
00:20:41,702 --> 00:20:43,998
They've lost touch with any idea
of any kind of religion,
512
00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:47,400
And when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by
513
00:20:47,435 --> 00:20:50,767
They just start spewing a bunch
of crap out of their mouths!
514
00:20:50,802 --> 00:20:53,399
What was that
last bit?
515
00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,599
Look, i'm proud
to be a catholic.
516
00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:57,968
But i am a catholic
in the real world,
517
00:20:58,003 --> 00:20:58,833
In today's world.
518
00:20:58,868 --> 00:21:01,167
It's time for you all
to do that too.
519
00:21:01,202 --> 00:21:05,701
It is time... for change.
520
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,933
He's right, sharon.
521
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:12,234
We don't have to believe
every word of the bible
522
00:21:12,269 --> 00:21:14,065
They're just stories
to help us live by.
523
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,467
We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the bible
524
00:21:16,502 --> 00:21:18,799
Just because some assholes
in italy screwed it up.
525
00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:21,367
Oh, randy, i don't want to
put food up my butt anymore.
526
00:21:21,402 --> 00:21:23,965
Gang... i think maybe
we owe god an apology.
527
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,267
Does this mean we have to
go to church on sundays again?
528
00:21:27,302 --> 00:21:30,567
No... it means
we get to, son.
529
00:21:30,602 --> 00:21:34,300
It means we get to.
530
00:21:34,335 --> 00:21:36,534
Hwaaaaa...